Wind

Yep, very base subject today.

Anyone who knows me will know I am a gassy person. I don't know why. I can't think that I eat anything which makes me so much more windy, I have a good diet, don't drink too many fizzy drinks or any of the multitude of suggestions that people have come up with. I just fart. A lot.

The reason this is pertinent today particularly is that I have been stuck in a very small, very enclosed IT room with ladies. And for some reason today seems to have been more breezy than most. This is a compoundation of factors; a multiple of elements not usually present; a comedy of errors, were it funny.

I don't work with ladies. It is not that I am incapable of doing so, it is just that my team - legal - is entirely male-populated. The team next to us is tax, again with a heavy preponderance of chaps.

And yes, it is just that: an area. It is within an open-plan office. It is not an enclosed space. If an urgent release is required, it dissipates very quickly. And if there is any smell, it can easily be blamed on the very close toilets.

But I don't know what made today more windy than normal. Perhaps bread: I had pizza for tea last night. But then again I am a naturally breezy person. At football I have been put in defence because a well-timed fart can be enough to put strikers off. That is pretty much the only reason.

Bringing someone back for sex can be terrible. I try to hold it in so far as possible, containing any gas until an appropriate bathroom break can be orchestrated. But yes, I have trumped in someone's mouth whilst they were trying to lick my bumhole. Though goodness only knows why they wanted to do that in the first place.

The 'first thing fart' which must surely be some sort of gravitational related phenomenon to standing erect for the first time in hours is usually something to celebrate. It creates a noise which nothing else can replicate, echoing throughout the entire house, reverberating walls and bowels. It heralds one of the best feelings in the body, yet the morning after sex it is more forbidden than walking round the house naked before realising it isn't your house.

A good arse-rattler is also one of the funniest things in the world. It is the prudest of people who can't giggle at a guff. Not that that is a decent reason to let off, but it surely helps.