Into the unknown

So, last night was Date4.

We still haven't had The Conversation.

I have no idea what that means. Are we automatically Going With, merely by agreeing to go on Date4? Are we in some sort of relationship-limbo until we make up our minds?

Bear in mind also that last night involved 'food'. Definitely not a 'meal' but 'food'. Pizza at that (and not even a whole one each). He most definitely did not 'offer to cook' for me - I think he used the phrase 'we could grab a pizza'.

And this was at nearly 10pm. Apparently I am still not quite special enough to put off going to the gym, so we only met at 9:30pm. Bear in mind that I was supposed to be leaving at 11pm to get home that would be an entire 90 minutes together. Awesome. Potentially the shortest date yet!

But I did still get a blowie out of it, although fortunately he didn't need to spit in the plant this time. The plant which is, incidentally, still looking healthy. For now.

So, where am I with it? If we were to have the conversation now, what would my response be?

I don't know.

I'm not overwhelmed, I have to say. I don't spend every waking hour thinking of him and waiting to be with him again. But then when I do see him I forget how attractive he is, and how well we get on together.

I think potentially the problem is that we are doing proper, traditional dating (well, aside from the blow-jobs) rather than GayDating.

The film Weekend which I reviewed briefly here portrays GayDating brilliantly - you practically have all three of your first dates within the space of the weekend; being practically inseperable.You fall head-over-heels in love so quickly that you can't stop yourself carrying on rolling down the hill. You don't have time to have a life between the various dates, so you have to talk deep and meaningful; what each party wants, is looking for, hates, has experienced. Rather than just "good week at work?" And you don't have time to forget, get distracted or even frustrated. Your mind wanders onto other things, other people even. So maybe the intensity of GayDating may actually be a good thing - you instantly develop the bond, you have to because you are with each other for 40 hours continuously, rather than potentially as little as 90 minutes.

Or maybe it's just me. You see I don't understand gay.

Actually, that's perhaps not true. I think I just don't understand love.

I understand the biochemical process. I understand that love releases hormones - seratonin, adrenaline, pheremones and dopamine and stuff. And I understand how these give us the butterflies-in-the-stomach, rush-of-blood-to-the-head feeling. And I know the psycho-social craving that we get for this, the desire to be around someone that induces those chemicals. I also understand that, after a while, we release our independence and become co-dependent, and that really love is what happens when the chemicals stop: usually around 2-3 years into a relationship.

I also get the social reasonings behind forming relationships. That we are stronger as a group, with the work divided amongst the individuals with regard to their particular strengths.

But I am missing a link. I am not missing the hard-wired social requirement to form a relationship; just the need to form that relationship. Why this particular individual. Why do we not jump in and bed down with just anyone?

Again, I understand some of the psychology and the evolutionary reasoning. In order to ensure maximum variety of the species, the greatest chance of survival from any single threat, that we seek diversity. I understand this may make the tall guy fancy the short girl, or the girl to fancy the girl or why I fancy the hobbit. I just don't understand the overarching hard-wiring.

What is it that makes me attracted to a particular individual? I know that the chemicals have been released, but why with that person and not another; why am I wired to find hobbits attractive, whereas someone else goes for someone I may find repulsive. Yes, there is diversity; but what entity decides on diversity? Who doles out the cards?

I know there is some psychology behind it. Good old Freud with his Oedipus complex and fancying our mothers because we spent our formative years with her and came to depend upon her for food, warmth and comfort, and other such notions; but it doesn't all satisfy quite why.

And from my own point of view I have to work out whether this current person is someone to commit a little more to, despite not being hobbity.

And I have to work out what Date5 without The Conversation means too.