I'd like to speak to you about cheeses.

A slightly naughty steal from The Rut though if you get a chance have a look around his site because it is hilarious, even if the humour can be a bit rude or offensive to some.

But let us have a look at the world through the medium of cheese. Insert your own cultural/economic considerations or references throughout.



Greece: feta. A weak, somewhat disappointing cheese. Needs very careful handling as it can be quite slippery due in part to the substantial amounts of oil smothered on it. Despite looking like building blocks, this cheese crumbles easily when any stress is applied. Only good for one thing - salads; and when the salad days are over, the cheese just looks like an over-priced luxury.

France: brie and Camembert. Barely distinguishable between them, these cheese are both soft with little substance and a lot of 'give' to them. They have one of the most agressive smells to them, but ultimately no bite and just a bitter aftertaste. Standardised production means there is little variety amongst them. Very fatty, these cheeses can leave an uncomfortable feeling if consumed to frequently.  These cheeses needs surrounding with protection, usually in the form of a wooden box or crate.

UK: Cheddar. The staple of cheeses, the bedrock, the standard to meet. Such a versatile cheese there has never been - it is firm enough to be sliced and enjoyed alone, can be grated to enhance the flavour, or melted to add texture and substance to any mix. Ranging from very mild to mature, with no bitter aftertaste, it meets everyone's palate. Sometimes coloured to add to the diversity of the (milk) culture, this is a very adaptive cheese. Can be infused with many different flavours from sweet to spicy without jarring the aroma.

Stilton. The wise, old man of cheese. Strong, mature, blue-veined and carrying a weight of culture and history; this cheese has perhaps the most robust and yet sophisticated of flavours. This is despite (or inspite) of its production in working class counties with beautiful rolling countryside. Again, not against introducing other (bacterial) cultures to the flavour. The good, solid crust ensures that this cheese will not sweat or crumble easily and fits amazingly with the climate whilst the introduction of more continental flavours with apricot or cranberry compliments - rather than detracts - from the taste. Smooth.

US: burger cheese and squeezy cheese. Actually really quite a misnomer. These products contain very little actual cheese - they are artificial, new, tasteless and bland despite their brash appearance. Their rubbery texture and appearance will wilt very easily when even the slightest of heat is applied, and them get everywhere causing problems and leaving a slimey residue. Pretty much despised everywhere outside their own country they don't travel well.

Swiss: Emmental. Nutty, yet otherwise very little flavour - seems unable to make up its mind whether it wants to appeal to as many people as possible or have a strong distinct character, so has ended up as a perifery cheese. Also, by way of substance, this cheese has far too many holes for all sorts of naughtiness to hide in.

Dutch: Edam. Very versatile - almost too much so. Likes to stand out, hence the bright red wax, but ultimately nothing much to write home about as it is barely distinguishable from other surrounding cheeses. Over time it has developed its own protectived shell which these days is seen more as a novelty than anything else. One of the few cheeses with no edge to it.

Italy: Parmesan. Whilst this cheese shows a strong, robust exterior, its tendancy to flake is well known. Many alternatives are actually more satisfying and less costly. Definitely not to everyone's taste this should be used sparingly and is rarely used as anything other than a finishing touch.

Australia: do the Aussies actually have cheese? Or anything of substance for that matter?

All of this with tongue firmly in cheek. Or cheese.