I hate shopping.
I avoid it where can. Particularly clothes shopping. I have two problems - either I don't know what I want, or I know what I want but can't get it.
If I don't know what I want I don't even bother going out or - if I am out with others - even bothering to look. Even if I see something that looks ok I end up talking myself out of it, convincing myself that there will be something more appropriate to buy, or that I really don't need it, or that there is something better for me to spend my money on.
If it gets to the stage where I need something, then they simply will not have what I need. Either the style won't be in fashion at the minute, or they don't have the particular item in my size or the colour I want. Hence why I have worn the same style of jeans for the last five or six years - I know what style they are; that they fit (just) and where I can buy them from.
Are you ready for an earthquake? This is going to feel as though the solar system has started turning in the opposite direction...
I bought some new, different jeans. Not just one pair, either, but two pairs. I bought one pair this last weekend, and one pair the weekend before down in London.
Let me be clear - this isn't the universe imploding. They were bought out of necessity and not nicety. I haven't suddenly gone fripperous. The problem is that my crotch keeps wearing out. After the amount of sex I've been having over the last few weeks this may not seem like a surprise, however I don't wear the jeans during sex so they shouldn't be wearing out. Aside from the enormous size of my penis, the only other thing I can think causing this is that - being a cyclist - I have developed good thigh muscles. Being slim-hipped, these thigh muscles are quite close together. Add in the enormous penis and there is a lot going on down there in quite a narrow space. Anyhow, when I was down in London I discovered the hole and decided that it was practically indecent of me to walk around like that. All it would have taken was an underwear malfunction (which actually happened on the Sunday when my chap managed to escape down the leg of my underpants) and the whole world would have been exposed to my willy. Or vice-versa.
So there was a necessity. And I managed to find some reasonably-priced jeans fulfilling the style that I wanted relatively quickly. Bargain. Bargain both in money and time.
This weekend I was forced to go shopping with my friend. I had no intention of buying anything, but - surprisingly - I saw some more jeans which I liked. Amazingly they were in the sale. Fantasmagorically they had them in my size. Being a sucker for a bargain (and knowing how quickly I wear out my crotch) I bought them. I cannot seem to justify spending £35 on a standard pair of jeans; yet when they are £40 down from £80, I see the saving rathing than the spending... £40 saved!
However, this means that space in my wardrobe is now worse than at a premium. The old jeans - despite having little by way of crotch - will not get thrown out. They will be used for DIY or gardening work. They still have their knees intact, and almost all of their seat too. And this is, in fact, a major problem for me - I simply cannot throw clothes away until they are falling to pieces.
I have a wardrobe filled with trousers and shirts, absolutely bulging at the seams; and a set of drawers practically filled to the brim with pants, socks and t-shirts which I just cannot justify throwing out. It is hampered considerably by not having changed cloth-sizes since I was 20.
Shall we review some of my classic purchases?
In the 'casual shirt' department there is the (actually quite fetching) lime green, short-sleeve, zip-up shirt. I really quite like this shirt. I will wear it again some day, although the fashion recently has been either t-shirts or check shirts so it is just biding its time. It has an ever-so-slight bleach stain on the shoulder from when I bleached my hair back at uni, some nine years or so ago. Yes, that is how long it has been part of the wardrobe.
To go with this I used to wear some white jeans. These were pretty much my only going-out jeans when I was 18. They were very much the fashion. My hope is that they will be once again. They still fit me. They fell out of favour with me ever-so-slightly when I fell over drunk in the once and woke up and they were black. I bought some others but they were never the same; and with a lot of hard work and scrubbery the stains eventually came out. So I then had two pairs of white jeans, one hardly used. They are still there... just waiting.
Whilst at uni I saw a pair of black woven PVC trousers in the sale. They really aren't as bad as they sound. They were quite nice for a while too. I'm not too sure when black woven PVC will come back into fashion, if ever. As and when it does, I hope it will also be the fashion to wear ever-so-slightly wide-ankled trousers which are about 2inches to short in the leg.
With those black woven PVC trousers I wore my black mule-style shoes. I got through about three pairs of these as the padding in the base eventually collapsed. The ones I had at the demise of the fashion had backs to them after an incident in Newcastle where I was wearing a backless pair whilst trying to jump over a traffic barrier. One shoe flew off into a gutter, another landed on a car whilst I ended up prone on the floor. Unfortunately there were quite a few people to witness the incident and who wanted to check I was fine. I knew I was fine. I wanted to get away. Still, at least the black woven pvc trousers were undamaged.
For some reason, towards the end of the white-trouser-era I bought some baggy, trackie-styled white trousers. I think they got worn out once before realising a) the didn't go with anything that I owned; and b) I got far too hot and sweaty in them. But they reside in my wardrobe because... well, who knows when I will need them!
And then there are the t-shirts. Many, many t-shirts have been bought and either worn-out, or are now in my DIY and gardening pile. Aside from any issues there may be that I have specific clothes for DIY and gardening (merely down to the fact that they are not suitable for wearing out any more), one particular t-shirt stands out. It is white with a blue logo on which says "Get Your Coat You've Pulled." Classy. But that's how things were in the very early 2000s. I would be surprised if I have ever actually worn this t-shirt to go out in. I think I bought it thinking it witty or amusing; very quickly realised it wasn't; and relegated it to the bottom of the pile whereforever after it has lingered. I'm unsure if I have even worn it for gardening.
Still, if any of these come back into fashion, at least I won't have to go shopping.
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