All by myself...

Do you want an example of myself as a dichotomy in action?

I have lots of people who are desperate to be close to me.

And yet on Sunday night I was sat in a busy restaurant off a busy street, eating alone.

Odd, yes. I don't know quite how to describe the people really. They are more than friends, that is for sure. And I collect them. They start out with just a simple attraction to me, they flirt outrageously and do everything that they can do to have something more than a platonic relationship with me. There are many of them. I keep them close so that I can keep an eye on them, make sure they aren't getting me into trouble, but not so close I can burn them.

I suppose it's kind of a 'When Harry Met Sally' situation - knowing that the moment anything sexual happens the relationship dynamic changes beyond belief. Once you've seen someone's willy, you can never go back to being just friends. It's boom or bust then, no half way.

But I keep them close enough to flirt with me and flatter me. I have never been massively confident in myself - at school I was the quiet, boring, weird-looking lanky kid. To the few people I knew I was probably quite funny; but the cool kids didn't want to know me because I wasn't good at sports or computer games or loud and brash. And the girls didn't want to know because I wasn't pretty.

These days people say that I am quite good looking. I don't see it myself - maybe it's one of those 'quirky' good looks that some people go for. But enough self-pity and wallowing - the basics of it is that I like having people who like me around me.

It's not that I don't find these people attractive - and hence haven't taken the relationship to the next level yet - either. It is possibly the case for the odd one or two that I don't particularly identify their visual appeal, but they clearly have some sort of connection with me otherwise they wouldn't be a Simmer. But some of them have started out simple friendships where they have started to find me increasingly attractive (or have themselves become increasingly desperate) over time. Or we started out in a friendship whilst they were in an existing relationship; or living at a distance that made a relationship unviable. Or there may be other reasons behind it.

But the result is that I have a number of these 'simmer' friends who I keep to bolster my ego as well as for the friendship and chat; and who reciprocate all aspects back with lashings of flattery for that ego. It is a mutually beneficial relationship; and that analysis alone simplifies and understates the relationship. I need these people, not because of the ego boost, but because they provide me with the strongest emotional support and guidance I could ever want. They aren't just there to go to the pub, they are there when I need someone. They are the greatest of friends, despite that they may wish something more.

And whilst I refer to them as 'Simmerers' it is on the basis of their simmering feelings for me (or suspected ones at least), not on the basis of an underlying unrequited yet mutual attraction.

So, how is it then that I ended up in a restaurant in Manchester all on my own?

Well, I seem to have pinned each of these Simmerers down to a particular niche, whether this is a locality (I have them dotted around the country, port-in-a-storm style) or people who understand me professionally, or historically, or just logically. Whilst I have friends with whom I can generally associate, there are particular Simmers for particular moods, moments, occasions or placements.

So I have a couple in Manchester and a couple who would have accompanied me to Manchester. The problem is that the couple who would accompany were not minded to (for reasons of cost, lack of availability or logistics) whilst those in Manchester were actually away for the weekend.

I was very eager to go to Manchester. As I mentioned previously, had I not gone, this would have been the first year in a long while that I had not attended any Pride event; and the first year in around a decade that I had not attended Manchester Pride.

Logistics for myself were not good - I had rather left it until the last minute to make a decision. Knowing that my Manchester friends were away; it would have required booking accommodation - something which was prohibitively expensive at the last minute; and readily snapped up by others earlier on in the year. This would have been viable had my 'local' friends been eager to attend; but as ever with them, dilatory action meant they didn't have a clue what they intended to do until it was too late.

And I was also treading uncertain waters. Was I to go over on the Friday from work? What about Saturday? It was too long to spend all the time from Friday through to Bank Holiday Monday without organised accommodation (though on a previous year I have spent all of that period of time staying somewhere other than my organised accommodation). I could do one night at a time by staying out as late as humanly possible and getting the first train back; but not all three nights.

Well, as it happened, other events governed proceedings. One of my friends wanted to go out on Saturday night; which meant that I could combine that with an early evening meal - not only two birds with one stone, but also one night at home. So it could be Friday and Sunday nights away. Except that I had another friend organise a meal out on the Friday night; which was nice.

So that left Sunday night. I was available to go to Manchester - I had no other plans organised; the logistics of it were feasible; and I would satisfy my need to attended an unbroken run of Prides. Marvellous.

But no-one was available to either go with, or to meet up with.

This of itself is not - and was not - a problem. I am more than comfortable with my own company, so long as I have the ability to jot down any particularly inspiring of the many thoughts that will prattle though my brain.

In the end I didn't have to occupy myself for long. Having eaten my lonely meal I visited a few bars and stumbled upon a lovely group of people who were more than happy to chat. Indeed, one of the more pretty ones of the group was willing - eager even - to accommodate me on the other half of the sofa he was staying on.

And so a good weekend was had by all.