Will the quiet coach please be quiet.

So, I'm a regular train user. I get four trains a day during the week, two in the morning and then two back again in the evening. I also frequently get trains over the weekend. There is rarely a day when I'm not on a train.

And one of the things that bugs me is the train announcements. They are pretty much never ending. And bear in mind that – particularly on the early trains – people are often trying to doze or sleep. So, for example, a standard train announcement will be:

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the 0710 East Midlands Trains service from Nottingham to London, calling at Beeston, East Midlands Parkway, Leicester, Market Harborough, Wellingborough, Kettering, Bedford, Luton and London St Pancras where we are due to arrive at 0920....”

Of itself I don't have a massive problem with this bit: you need to know you are on the correct train.

Then they go on...

“This is a peak time service and as such off-peak and super-off-peak tickets are not valid on this service and you will be required to purchase an upgrade ticket. Advance tickets must state the 0710 journey time, otherwise the ticket will be invalid and a new ticket must be purchased. Railcards must be presented with discounted tickets otherwise the ticket will be invalid and a new ticket must be purchased. Travel without a valid ticket is in breach of the national conditions of travel and will be subject to a penalty fare of either twice the cost of the ticket or £20 whichever is the greater. An example standard peak time ticket to London is £88.”

Bit of a niggle with this one. If you don't know what train you are booked on or allowed to get you probably shouldn't be getting a train; and if you still do get a train then more fool you. And why do we need to be told what that cost would be?

But it carries on...

“First class is located towards the front of the train in coaches F, G and J; with standard class in coaches A, B, C, D and E. Coach A is our quiet coach and we would politely ask that you do not take calls in the quiet coach and keep all electronic noise to a minimum”

If you don't know whether you're in first class or standard, you are a dumbo. Simple. And why they have to list every bluddy carriage. If you don't know the rules of the quiet coach, don't sit in there. Simple. It's not as though it's going to be very quiet anyway, what with the incessant droning of the train announcements.

“East Midlands Trains operate an entirely non-smoking service and smoking is not permitted anywhere. This includes all train carriages, toilets, vestibule ends, platforms and stations.”

Now, in England smoking hasn't been permitted for a long while on trains and platforms. I really don't think it is necessary to tell people. You don't tell them not to poo on the seats, you don't tell them not to dismantle the luggage racks, so don't tell them not to smoke.

“Please ensure you keep all luggage and personal items with you at all times. If you see any suspicious item please alert a member of the train crew.”

Hmmm. I think this is just pure common sense really and when noise-time is at a premium, entirely unnecessary. I'm not sure what they call suspicious activity anyway. Probably pooing on the seats.

“In the interest of safety, emergency notices have been placed in the vestibule ends at either end of the carriage and we would kindly ask that you take a moment of your time to read these.”

Has anyone (other than me) actually read these? Do we really need telling about these? Has there ever been a train crash and someone has said “We'd have been able to get off the train and saved more people if only we'd have known where the emergency notices are”? Really? No. Again, cut it out. And vestibule ends? The people who know what that is have probably already sought out the emergency notices and committed it to memory.

“There are catering facilities on board this morning with a full breakfast service for first class passengers and a trolley passing through standard class. We would therefore ask that you keep aisles free from luggage and use the racks available at either end of the carriage, or use the overhead luggage racks”

Aside from the slight stupidity that we've only just been asked to keep all personal belongings with us, and now we are being asked to leave them at the luggage racks; this is just a plain courtesy request. The stupid people who leave luggage in the aisle will long ago have stopped listening. I have certainly never seen anyone with a bag in the aisle suddenly go “Oh, hang on – I must move that...” But what this also does is set you up: you know you have a catering announcement to come at some stage.

“I am Sophie and I am your train manager this morning. I hope you have a quiet and comfortable journey, however if I or any of the other members of the train team can be of any assistance this morning please do not hesitate to ask.”

Well, I am now thoroughly relaxed that I know the name of my train manager. If I had needed assistance, then I would have had absolutely no idea what to do or who to ask. And a quite and comfortable journey? Maybe I should go and ask them to stop invading my ears with superfluous information.

“Once again this is the 0710 train to London St Pancras, calling at Beeston, East Midlands Parkway, Leicester, Market Harborough, Wellingborough, Kettering, Bedford, Luton and London St Pancras where we are due to arrive at 0920....”

Well, this one is just plain stupid. By now the train is about 5 minutes into the journey and the doors are locked; so if you have made a boob and gotten on to the wrong train it is far too late anyway.

But then she hangs up. And we are – finally – blessed with silence. For all of a minute. Then we get...

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen, my name is Darren and I am your catering manager this morning. I am delighted to announce that breakfast is now being served for our first class passengers who can enjoy a full English breakfast with tea or coffee and optional starter for £9.99.”

Marvellous. Why do we need interrupting for us standard class passengers to be told exactly how much it costs to eat in first class?

“For the benefit of our standard class passengers we have a trolley service passing through the train serving a variety of tea, coffee, hot chocolate, herbal infusions, colas, waters and fruit juices, beers, wines, spirits and mixers...”

If we have to be given menu examples – which I wholly object to anyway as it is just noise pollution – could we not just be told “hot and cold drinks”?

… “Cakes, biscuits, flapjacks, a variety of sandwiches, crisps, nuts, chocolate bars and fresh fruit...”

Excellent. So we now have a fully itemised catalogue of the contents of the trolley.

… “Including our tea and chocolate combo where you save 40p when you buy any hot drink together with either a KitKat, Mars bar or a Snickers.”

Excellent. The hard-sell. As if they weren't grinding us down enough.

“This morning on board we also have a chef preparing hot breakfast baguettes including either bacon and egg or sausage and egg with either brown sauce or tomato ketchup for just £4.95. Should you require a hot breakfast baguette, please stop our customer host as he is passing through the train.”

Customer host? What the hell is a customer host? And if I had any query as to what a breakfast baguette contained – though I probably could have guessed – I'm sure I would have had the gumption to ask whatever the customer host is.

But, by now we've actually gotten to Beeston, the first stop, and so get told:

“Ladies and gentlemen the train is now approaching Beeston. Beeston is your next station stop. If you are leaving the train here at Beeston, please ensure that you have all luggage and personal belongings and mind the gap between the train and platform edge. Please retain all tickets and travel documents as barriers may be in operation here at Beeston. Please connect at Beeston for local bus services and onward connections to East Midlands Parkway and Loughborough. On departure from Beeston the train will carry forward to Leicester, Market Harborough, Wellingborough, Kettering Bedford, Luton and London St Pancras, That's Beeston your next station stop.”

So we are told that it is Beeston around seven times in that little bit. And again reminded where the train is going on to.

Quite why we need to be told to take all of our luggage and personal belongings (though I fail to see what the difference is) I'm not entirely sure. Again – if you can't keep your life about you, should you be using a train? And yes, we have all sacrificed the occasional umbrella to the gods of safe travel, but not once has that announcement prompted me to go “Oh yes, my umbrella...” I simply forget that I have had it out. And again, if you can't pay attention yourself to the gap between the train and the platform, you probably deserve everything that comes to you.

They could probably cut 90-95% of the information out and let me have that quiet, comfortable journey.