Ex'd by text

My friend was complaining at the weekend that he'd been dumped.

That wasn't his main concern – he gets dumped pretty much every weekend because he jumps into relationships quicker than I can understand.

His main concern was that, of all the travesties in the world, he had been dumped by text.

The indignity.

His claim was that “the bastard couldn't even tell me to my face.”

Now, whilst I can understand that perspective, I don't agree with it.

Firstly the notion that we ought only dump people face-to-face is one which, though relatively recent, hasn't kept pace with technology.

Yes, it is surprisingly recent. It was only really with the invention of individual and mass transport that the 'personal separation' took any kind of courtesy. Previously, engagements had always been broken by letter. Well, by those that could write. That was the proper way to do it.

So, ending the relationship by text is a simple extrapolation of that, together with the development of the newer format of communication. Afterall, we arrange dates by text, why not undate by text?

But the main thrust of his argument was one of courtesy and honour: that his boyfriend of a couple of weeks was duty-bound to end it personally.

Again, I have problems with this.

Firstly, maybe if they had been dating for more than a couple of weeks I could have understood this proposition; but I don't that that moral obligation had been given any time to develop.

And even then, it isn't always correct. Quite frequently dumping by text is actually better: more decent and courteous.

How so?

Three ways.

Can I not stop with lists? Apparently not...

Firstly to minimise the damage to an evening. You are already sticking the knife in, the last thing you want to do is take more of a chunk than is necessary. So, rather than have someone block-book an evening, cancel all arrangements to make sure that they are yours for the entire evening, let them know straight out. The alternative is a coded text: "I need to see you for an hour but no more. And you may want some company after that."

That is a dump-text in all but words. Granted you cannot predict the circumstances in which the text will arrive, and it is quite possible that you will leave your ex blubbing and cursing you on a packed commuter train or in the middle of the cleaning-product aisle of the supermarket; but it's either that or know that you're going to make a scene in a restaurant or bar or some other similarly public place. “Darling would you pass me the popcorn, and make that the last thing you do as my boyfriend, thanks.”

The second reason, related to that, is that you are building them for a fall. Don't make this any more painful than you need; and arranging a meeting is going to seem enthusiastic, like another date, another step down the aisle, another concrete footing to the romance. And unless you are very careful about wording the invitation, you are only providing encouragement and fuel to the fire that will burn them. And if you are careful about the wording, they will probably read the hidden meaning into it again anyway.

And finally, timing. Is it really fair to keep them hanging on for another few days – a week perhaps – until you both have a vacancy in your diaries? You already know that you want to end it; why keep them hanging on? Surely it is more courteous to minimise the damage, let them think slightly less of the relationship (by about a week) and start rebuilding themselves that little bit earlier?

I have two good examples of why dumping by text is more appropriate.

Firstly, when I was at uni I started going out with someone. He was a nice enough lad, we started going out a week or two before he went home for the Christmas holidays and we kept in contact by text and phone. He made a special effort to come and see me for my birthday and to treat me to a meal.

But it was then that I decided – nice though he was – that we weren't right. But I didn't want to make a scene that weekend: he had gone to considerable effort to impress and it really would have been pissing on the baked vanilla cheesecake to do the dumping over that weekend.

And we had a nice weekend. And then he went home. It was my intention to 'do the right thing' when he came back for the new term in a week or two; but having already made the decision my attitude changed – albeit not consciously. I was obviously wary in any of the conversations of building his hopes, setting him up for the fall, providing too much encouragement, and he could tell. Eventually after a text from me with one-too-few 'x's he rang me and voiced his fears – that he was worried he was losing me. And all I could do was confirm it.

He was gracious about, but I couldn't help feeling that I had been keeping him hanging on for a week or so, him trying ever harder to engage my ever dwindling attention.

And for the second example, I tried for a few weeks to have the difficult, courteous conversation with my now ex, but he repeatedly put barriers in the way. No sooner had I managed to get him to a quiet spot, bring the conversation to a natural point, than he would bring up some other trauma in his life; some distraction or diversion from the matter in hand. I am pretty sure he knew the direction I wanted the conversation to go, and was rather sweetly trying to hang on to the last string of hope for as long as possible. And that meant that when it did happen, it happened in a way that neither of us really had control over.

We were out clubbing and someone made a pass at me. Initially I rebuffed the move; but ultimately it occurred to me that this was the opportunity I needed, even if it wasn't the one that I wanted. And so, rather than the courteous, polite, anticipated, crafted “It's not me, it's you” conversation; it all came clattering down with a cacophony of tears and shouting and general awkwardness from my friends (and, needless to say, my snog) who had to pay witness to this poor kid's life crashing down in front of his eyes.

If I hadn't thought that the polite conversation were the courteous option – if I had taken the balls and sent a text when I was certain – or at least almost certain – that he was home alone, I could have saved him such a public heartbreak, saved the awkward two weeks that I had been trying to manipulate the conversation, properly prepared him for what I wanted to say, rather than him stumble across me locked-lips with another man.

So yes, I say dump by text. And from my own point of view having been dumped by text, I would rather get a text in the privacy of my home, where I can quietly read it without having my every expression and reaction analysed by the dumper and anyone else around, where I can feel in control or at least have no-one else know if I lose control.

Just tell me nice things whilst you're doing it.