Normal service should hopefully resume next week when I get my device back that allows me to blog on the train.
However, in the meantime, I've been mulling things over. A while ago (quite a while ago actually) I had a rant . It didn't sit particularly pretty with me at the time and it hasn't since. And there are a few reasons for this.
Firstly, obviously, a lot of the points that I picked on aresimply not fair. They are not something that anything can be done about. Physical attributes and behaviourisms are not thing that can be changed, or at least not easily. Indeed nor are the majority of them faults: just because I find the behaviour annoying, that doesn't make it wrong, or even irritating to anyone else. In fact, some will find those behaviourisms cute, funny, quirky. And who am I to rant about them anyway? It's not as though I don't have at least as many, probably more, behaviourisms which actually are irritating or just plain rude. And I have the most faults of anyone that I know, so why should I be the one to start pointing out anyone else's faults? Those in glass houses and all that. And yes, in the posting I did identify that I have faults, and yes I know I caveatted and precied the post at the time with lots of lovely sentiment; but the ripping of shreds far outweighed any attempt to deflect the blows (in a horrible mash-up of metaphors), certainly in that post (though I did make a pathetic attempt at reparation in the latter posting).
But as well as being simply unfair, I was ungentlemanly in the manner in which I handled it too. And I think it is this that grates on me more than anything. Yes, by all means be irritated at people - some people do just end up rubbing you up the wrong way - and yes, vent spleen about it; but do so in an appropriate manner. Was a blog posting the correct forum? I had already had private conversations, counselling opinion from friends as to the state of the relationship and the irritations that befell me; and I had already ranted away at them. And again, the blog was reasonably anonymous - neither I nor the victim were specifically identified in it. But I knew - or at least should have known - that the victim would read the post. Perhaps that is why I did it - dissatisfied at being prevented from saying what I wanted to say in person I found an alternative method to get the message over? Subconsciously reactive?
And I whilst I was wrong in my method; there was an underlying reason behind my frustrations. Bear in mind I had just had to spend almost a week away with the football team where I was unable to escape from my ex cavorting around with someone I knew.
I may have been the person that broke up the relationship; but that doesn't exempt me from feeling hurt. There seems to be this ridiculous notion that if you precipitate the break-up, anything your ex does is fair play and you have to like it - you are not allowed to feel pain too, because it's all your fault. And whilst the old adage "I don't want you, but I don't want anyone else to have you" wasn't true; it could more accurately have been written as "I don't want you; and you are free to go off and move on with someone else; just don't do so in such immediate circumstances for such a long period of time whilst I am unable to avoid it." It's probably hardly surprising that over the holiday I was the only footballer to play away - I needed the to work off the anxiety, the tension, and to get out of that bluddy hotel.
Breaking up may well have been a release for me, but like firing an elastic band into water, the fingers still smart somewhat, and the water splashes back. No-one comes out of a relationship entirely unscathed; otherwise what did the relationship mean to either of them?
But mayhaps a blog openly available to the public; albeit not directly identifyable as me; may not have been the best way. There is a lot of discussion around at the moment about how social norms have struggled to keep pace with 'new media' and technology. One day we will just call it media. But the immediacy and openness of Twitter and such like cause many, many problems for people. I know of many people who have problems at work because of it, or journalists who can post things anonymously but not report them publically and such like. But my blog is my vent - it allows me to think my thoughts out loud, work things through and come to my own conclusions. It is pretty much a stream of consciousness, put down by me and for me, but openly so that anyone who wanders past can have a look in. It isn't actively or garishly put out there to gain attention or cause controversy; it just exists, like a diary left out knowing your mother will probably look through it.
So, why not delete it? Indeed, why draw futher attention to it? As to the latter I do not know - again, this is just something I feel I need to get off my chest. But I don't delete things. Things occur, you cannot simply erase them. The sticking plaster may cover the wound doesn't cover the pain, and the scar will always remain. It may have been moved but that was for an entirely unassociated reason. Rather than paper over the cracks and pretend they don't exist, it is much more important to look at the foundations and see why the cracks occurred.
And anyway, we have both moved on since then. Maybe I have grown up a bit like my mother is always telling me to. But probably not.
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