Sex-free September

So, I didn't have sex in September.

Remarkable, isn't it?

Well, I don't know.

I have a tendency to average out at one a month. But I don't really keep track. I certainly don't get towards the end of the month and dash out to bonk the first bloke passing my house to get it in (so to speak) before midnight on the 30th.

And were I to keep track, it would rather demean the encounters that I do have. I can honestly say that I very, very rarely regret any of the shags that I have, and where I do it is usually do to 'logistical complexities' - it will make relations with that person or with some other person awkward for a while, or such like.

But, if I undertake a proper retrospective; yes - it has been an average of about one a month. That's one partner a month, rather than one bonk, and obviously when I am in a sustained relationship that partner will be the same partner for repeated months.

But, in terms of many of the people I know that doesn't make me promiscuous. There are many of my friends who consider it a bad week if they don't get any, but then again I've seen the levels to which they will stoop just get 'some'.

But that is really neither here nor there, it is the fact that I didn't have sex, in spite of the circumstances, that is more of a surprise.

For example, the students are back in town. Now, this may mean that I do get a quickie soon - I have one of them already texting me wanting to meet up - and for the first two or three weeks the freshers are still settling in and finding out about the city so it may take them a little while to get a bit more adventurous.

And I played away during September. With football. Our team went over to Liverpool and we booked a hotel and had a night out the night before the game (we really should get around to organising these things the other way round). In fact that lead to a rather bizarre encounter that was the closest that I did get to sex: somebody pinched my bottom in a bar. I never saw him again that night, and he had no association with either of the football teams, and yet by the time I got home on Sunday I had a friend request on Facebook. I presume he heard my name mentioned by someone in the club - it is quite distinctive - and found me that way. Anyhow, we started chatted and the next thing we were video-calling each other with our bits out.

And September is the end of summer. Summer is a good time for one-off sex. People are in a good mood, enjoying the long, languorous, lazy evenings, not wanting to get tied down into anything complicated. And people generally look their best in summer. It is widely noted that people generally look better wearing less: once the pasty-white flesh has acquired a good colour, and assuming you don't wear less than the minimum, generally skimpy or tight summer clothing flatters. It certainly does more for you than a chunky merry knit, balaclava and gloves. So it is good for Summer Fun, and in September people are starting to get very aware that it is the end of that for some months.

In October and November people go for a Winter Warmer - a sustained relationship, someone to cuddle on cold winter nights. No longer are you sunning yourself in a relaxed beer garden until late evening as in July; no: now you spend all your time in darkness, wanting to cuddle up to someone to get warm. You can't be bothered traipsing round all the bars in the wet and the snow, peeling off layer after layer in each establishment and then taking twenty minutes to reclothe before leaving. You want to go to meals where you can sit in a nice warm restaurant for hours without having to move; or cinemas where it is as dark as outside so you don't have to make an effort. Or, better still, having someone round and cooking them a meal. That way one of you doesn't have to leave the house or - potentially - the bed if you forgo dinner.

Generally in a year I will possibly have two relationships. It's not guaranteed, and indeed my last relationship was a year ago; however they tend to be in October/November, and in January/February.

For the few years prior to this year I have been dumped immediately before Valentines day for the "late Winter Warmer". That's a great feeling.

But then some of this could be because I can't sustain a relationship over summer. Exciting August - and the weeks in the run-up - are when I do the majority of my galavanting around. My winters tend to be very
quiet. It's odd that this should happen, but I suppose the reasons are pretty similar: it is too cold and dark in winter to do much galavanting. If you can manage to do the travel in the dark, you only have a few short hours to see the sights before it is too dark and you have to start drinking.

It's not that I'm averse to a relationship at any other time. I would quite gladly have a Christmas Cuddle, a Spring Snuggle, a June Spoon or a Week Twenty Six Fix, I just don't seem to be able to pull them off.

So, September marked the end of Fun Season, providing me with a slight holiday until I - hopefully - get the guy.